Oh friends if you could know how hard I prayed for a marriage miracle.
I would pray “I know you are healing my marriage”
Well… as my little Ruben would say- “Wah wah…”
Silence. Crickets. Tumbleweeds a rollin’.
“Hello, excuse me, God? Remember that little verse in Mark 11:24? ‘Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.’ Umm.. yea, well you see, I believed you. And now I’m disappointed. And actually disappointed is a very mild word for what I’m feeling, but seeing as I’m talking to the God of the universe, I’ll tone down my anger. I really, really, really wanted you to fix my marriage. Apparently you’ve helped people rise from the dead, cured leprosy, made blind men see… all I asked for was the ability to make progress in my marriage. Surely you could have performed a small miracle that would have changed the course and direction of our relationship. I wanted it for my kids, God. I thought maybe you would redeem them with a two parent household because they had nothing to do with the mistakes I made. Why do they have to suffer?”
Sigh. Another unanswered prayer.
I get it. It takes two to tango and God is not a manipulator. He doesn’t force- he allows for our free will. But couldn’t he have made an exception? Just this once?
Cliche logic will tell me, there’s something better out there for me. But it hurts now. And I don’t want to hurt this badly. I don’t really feel like delaying this gratification. Luckily I’ve already had an amazing lesson in unanswered prayers. It will truly help me to get through.
My sweet little Ruben. Remember how I told you all about the terror I felt when I found out I was pregnant with Harrison? Times that by 50 and that’s how I felt when I found out I was pregnant with Ruben. I had a 3 month old. My husband was on his way to Afghanistan. We hadn’t even been married a year. The marriage, really, was a sham. Not a world you bring a second child into.
In reality, Ruben is sort of an answered prayer, because I used to pray as a single women that I would never have trouble getting pregnant. Prayer. Answered. Apparently I’m fully fertile.
Crap. What were you thinking, God? How can we add another life to this mess?
But just look at him. He’s amazing. Duh, obviously you never regret children. But it’s deeper than that. God knew that I needed that little boy. In so many more ways than I know how to say in words. God knew the burning desire and love I have deep in my heart for children. And as badly as I still want more kids, I can look at the two boys who are bestest friends and find a true satisfaction. I can end here, if I have to. Without Rue I don’t know if I could have put aside my desperate, selfish craving for another baby.
He also knew that Harrison needed a brother. I can’t imagine Harrison having to go through this alone. It’s been said one million times in our household “Thank God they have each other!” And its just so true. There’s not a person on this planet who would have said yes if they were asked if it was a good idea for me to be pregnant 2 months after giving birth. Just in general common sense, but also with any knowledge of the chaos my life was in.
But God knew. And I am so, so, so thankful. What if he had listened to me then? “Please don’t let this be true God! Please don’t let me be pregnant.” But there was Ruben. Barely beginning to form in the womb saying “Wah, wah…. I’m coming, whether you like it or not! Oh, and by the way, I’m kind of a little s#$@. But you’ll love me anyway!”
Ok. I get it. I will look back on this divorce and be so thankful God didn’t listen to my cries for help. All I need to do is look at that little boy who no one in their right mind would have asked for, but who is the biggest blessing I can ever imagine.
“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs
That just because he may not answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”